Written by We’ve all been there—building up a moment in our minds, only to feel the sting of disappointment when reality falls short of the picture we painted. Expectations have a way of pulling us out of the moment, distracting us from the richness of what’s actually happening. Let me share a personal story that perfectly illustrates this dilemma.
Recently, a loved one hosted a launch party for his new podcast. He put his heart and soul into planning the event and was excited to celebrate this milestone with friends, family, and colleagues. He envisioned a room full of supporters, lively conversations, and the perfect kickoff to his podcasting journey. But as the evening unfolded, fewer people showed up than he had hoped. In the moments after the event, he expressed disappointment about the turnout.
Yet, in the same breath, he mentioned how much fun he had with the people who did come. It was an intimate and joyous event filled with laughter, meaningful conversations, and celebration. Despite his initial letdown, the experience was a success—one that he thoroughly enjoyed once he allowed himself to lean into what was actually happening rather than what he had expected. This story is a microcosm of a greater human dilemma: we get so caught up in how things should be that we forget to embrace the beauty of what is.
The Human Dilemma: When Expectations Overshadow Experience
Expectations are deeply ingrained in our minds. Our culture, upbringing, personal desires, and societal norms shape them. We often approach life with a set idea of how things should unfold—whether it’s a career goal, a relationship, a special event, or even something as simple as a weekend outing. We have a mental picture of what success looks like, and when reality doesn’t match that image, we feel disappointed, even when the actual experience might be wonderful in its own right.
In my loved one’s case, he had set expectations for a certain number of attendees, which overshadowed the quality of the experience that unfolded. This isn’t unique to him; it’s something many of us encounter in various facets of life. We expect a promotion at work, but when we are passed over, we fail to see the opportunity for growth and reflection. We expect our vacations to be perfect escapes, only to feel disappointed when minor inconveniences arise, taking away from the joy of the trip.
The problem with expectations is that they live in the realm of the future—a place of potential but also uncertainty. Experiences, however, exist in the present, unfolding in real-time. They have the power to surprise and delight and offer opportunities for connection and growth, but only if we allow ourselves to be present in the moment.
The Cost of Expectations
When we cling too tightly to our expectations, we often rob ourselves of the present moment. Expectations can act like blinders, keeping us focused on how things should be instead of how they are. Expectations are rigid, making it hard to adjust when life throws us a curveball. Instead of appreciating what we have, we fixate on what’s missing, what didn’t go as planned, or what fell short of our hopes.
This constant comparison between expectation and reality can lead to:
Disappointment. We feel let down when things don’t go as expected, even if the outcome isn’t necessarily bad.
Frustration. The gap between what we want and what we get creates a sense of agitation and restlessness.
Stress and Anxiety. Expectations often come with pressure—pressure to perform, achieve, or meet a certain standard. When reality doesn’t align with these standards, we become anxious or stressed about the perceived failure.
Disconnection. When we focus on unmet expectations, we often disconnect from the present moment, the people around us, and the experience at hand.
These emotional costs can weigh heavily on us, leaving little room for joy or fulfillment. Expectations, while rooted in optimism or ambition, can ironically be a source of dissatisfaction.
The Reward of Experience
Now, let’s consider the alternative—leaning into the experience itself. The beauty of being fully present in an experience is that it allows us to see things as they are, not as we wish them to be. It opens the door to spontaneity, connection, and genuine enjoyment, even when things don’t go as planned.
In the case of my loved one’s podcast launch, once he let go of his expectations about the size of the turnout, he was able to truly enjoy the evening. He connected more deeply with the people who did attend, laughed, and created memories that will likely stay with him for a long time. This is the reward of experience—it grounds us in the moment and allows us to participate fully in our own lives.
As self-leaders, we are the captains of our own ships. Presence allows us to hold our position in the face of life’s storms, stay connected to our inner compass, and lead ourselves with grace and courage. When we are present, we are able to listen to our intuition, observe without judgment, and act from a place of calm rather than chaos. Effective and empowering self-leadership is the prerequisite to leading others.
When we embrace experience over expectation, we open ourselves to:
Joy. Pure, unfiltered joy comes from being fully engaged in the moment, free from judgment or comparison.
Flexibility. Life rarely goes according to plan, but when we release expectations, we become more adaptable and open to whatever happens.
Gratitude. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, we can appreciate what’s present—the people, the conversations, the emotions, the lessons.
Connection. Being present allows us to connect more deeply with others, creating meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Shifting our focus from expectation to experience doesn’t mean we stop setting goals or having desires. Instead, it’s about finding balance. Goals can guide us, but experiences are where we live. They are where the magic happens, where we grow, and where we connect with the world around us.
Moving from Expectation to Experience
So, how do we shift from expectation to experience in our daily lives? It starts with awareness and intention. Here are a few ways to begin this process:
Recognize when you are caught in expectation. Awareness is the first step to change. Notice when your mind is fixated on how something should be and how that’s impacting your ability to enjoy the present moment.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps us stay grounded in the moment. By focusing on what’s happening right now—whether it’s the sound of someone’s voice, the feeling of the breeze, or the taste of your food—you bring yourself back to the experience itself.
Release the need for control. Expectations often stem from a desire to control outcomes. Recognizing that much of life is outside of our control allows us to surrender to the flow of the experience.
Embrace Curiosity. Approach life with curiosity rather than rigid expectations. Instead of asking, “Will this go the way I want?” ask, “What can I learn from this moment?”
Find Gratitude. Even when things don’t go as planned, there’s almost always something to be grateful for. Focusing on what’s going right rather than wrong can transform disappointment into appreciation.
Experience as the Way Forward
In the end, expectations will always be part of the human experience. But if we can learn to let go of our attachment to them and instead lean into what’s actually happening, we will find far more joy, connection, and fulfillment in our lives. Life, after all, is not meant to be lived in the future of what could be but in the present moment of what is.
As my loved one learned during his podcast launch, the reward of the experience far outweighed the initial disappointment of unmet expectations. This is the path forward—allowing the present moment to unfold, embracing it thoroughly, and finding joy in the experience.
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